Monday, March 18, 2002
What a weekend! I am so exhausted from it, right now I could collapse on my keyboard and sleep comfortably for at least 6 hours. It is one of those days where I just can't wait to get home and climb right back into bed. It is so warm and cozy in my bed and this world is so dreary and freezing today. Why not spend a day in bed? WHY? Because I have to do this damn thing called "work". Damn that thing.
I was lucky enough to start my day off in a horrible way. About a month ago, I sent my uncles (the gay ones), in California an email explaining my fears of visiting them this summer. (They had previously invited me out there for a mini-vacation) In the email, I was very aggressive and maybe a little too forward in what I had to say to them.
They took what I was saying and turned it completely around so that it made it seem like I was viciously attacking them. I was startled to log into my email this morning to find a rude, hurtful, and rather bitchy email from them. These guys are 50 years old right? I didn't know that bitchiness could come out of people when they were this age. But I guess with gays, bitchiness can always come out.
Here is the email exchange: (edited for time and boringness quality)
The reason I called you a couple weeks ago is because I wanted to talk about the trip to SF. First, let me just THANK YOU for the amazing invitation. I was shocked and thrilled to find out. You are both so generous and kind to me always and I truly appreciate it. I know I don't get to see you that much and that is difficult. For a number of reasons. But mostly, just because I want to get to know you better and I want your advice at least 12 times a day about whatever it could be that is on my mind.I have been thinking a great deal about the trip. I am having some major hesitations about coming.1) You know I don't want to fly. I am terrified. More than terrified actually. I am so scared that it is very likely I won't come at all due to this intense anxiety that I am feeling. I know that the chances of a crash or a terrorist take-over are very unlikely, but I still can't fathom having to get on to a plane by myself. Especially since I have only flown twice in my life. Once to visit you guys and once for Winfield's graduation.2) You told me that you want me to come alone. I don't know if I can come alone. I don't want to fly alone. I really don't. And more importantly, I would really want Paul to come with me. He and I have discussed a visit to you long before you invited me. LONG before. And it is an experience that I want to share with him. I understand you guys wanting to spend time with me. Alone with me. I want the same from both of you. But with my fear of flying (alone especially) and the fact that Paul would give anything to come...I don't really know how to go forward with this.3) When I had the conversation with you guys over Christmas about the visit, you said something that really upset me. You told me that we would "go out" while I was there, but that I was "not allowed to bring anyone home". You also made it very clear that I was to "come visit alone".Now, this hurt me because I feel like you don't really know me at all. And on top of that...I feel like no one really knows me in the family. I have been with Paul for over 2 years now. It is a strong, beautiful, difficult relationship that no one in the family has taken five minutes to consider. Mom and dad do the best they can, but they talk more positively about Winfield's sexual flings than they do about the boy I am in love with. The boy that I have never even had intercourse with. It hurts. And it pisses me off. Just to be honest.When you guys told me that I had to come alone....something about the way you said it rang so familiar in my head. It was like having a conversation with my parents. "Joe, come visit us at home, but make sure you come by yourself." "Winfield, come visit us at home, but make sure you bring Amy". It is not fair and I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself into a situation like this anymore. Paul is more important to me than Amy was or will ever be to Winfield. And no one takes it seriously.I have spent the last 4 years coming out of the closet with no familial support. In fact, instead of support, I hear doubts about my promiscuity, my "experimental phase", the fact that "life is so much harder when you are gay". And to be honest, none of it rings true to me at all.I am sexually responsible in every way, shape, form. I KNOW this is not a phase. And I am happy and proud to be a homosexual. Nothing about the lifestyle scares me or turns me off. Because I am me and I have a good head on my shoulders. I know what is best for me. I have to. I have been the only one looking out for me in this area. So it hurt. It hurt to have you two put guidelines on my visit. It hurt to think that you look at me the same way my parents do. Even though you are gay.I have an amazing time with you during each visit. But I don't know either of you very well. And you don't know me. We have yet to really spend some time together discovering what makes up the real US! At least, I don't know what makes the real you.I hope that this email wasn't in any way offensive or hurtful to either of you. I am just at the point where I have to be honest about my feelings regarding this situation. I am almost 25 and I am finally starting to be happy. I want to share this happiness with you two (especially) and hopefully one day with my parents as well.Please write me back or call me whenever you get the chance. Or just let me know when will be a good day/time to call you.I hope we can work this out. I love you both so much and I am always more than grateful for the money, the thought, and the love that you send my way.Have a wonderful day and I look forward to talking to you soon.
They wrote back this beautiful email:
First of all we think you know that it was not our intention to hurt your feelings. The last we heard was that you and Paul had broken up. So we assumed that you might be dating and that was the nature of our "guideline" about bringing people home. We know you well enough to know that you are not promiscuous.
We also realize that we talked about both you and Paul coming out here together. But after the great time we had with Winfield last year we changed our minds. We also came to the conclusion that if both of you came we would not get the "two-on-one" time we need to get to know each other. Please understand this does not mean that we don't like Paul.
We understand how you feel about flying since neither of us likes to fly either. But sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot. Or sometimes you make sacrifices for people you love.
You say that no one in the family knows you or understands your relationship with Paul. Whose fault is that? And you should know that it is very offensive to both of us for you to accuse us of homophobia. If you have issues with your parents' acceptance please deliver them to their doorstep, not ours.
So a visit is not in the cards for this year. Maybe at some point in the future. Drop us a line and let us know how things are going with Paul. That way we won't accidentally say things that hurt your feelings.
I was shocked and really hurt by this. It will stay with me for awhile. I just can't believe that my own flesh and blood would go off on me like that. Especially since they are the only gay role model type people I know. Ugh.
Way to start a Monday morning.
I was lucky enough to start my day off in a horrible way. About a month ago, I sent my uncles (the gay ones), in California an email explaining my fears of visiting them this summer. (They had previously invited me out there for a mini-vacation) In the email, I was very aggressive and maybe a little too forward in what I had to say to them.
They took what I was saying and turned it completely around so that it made it seem like I was viciously attacking them. I was startled to log into my email this morning to find a rude, hurtful, and rather bitchy email from them. These guys are 50 years old right? I didn't know that bitchiness could come out of people when they were this age. But I guess with gays, bitchiness can always come out.
Here is the email exchange: (edited for time and boringness quality)
The reason I called you a couple weeks ago is because I wanted to talk about the trip to SF. First, let me just THANK YOU for the amazing invitation. I was shocked and thrilled to find out. You are both so generous and kind to me always and I truly appreciate it. I know I don't get to see you that much and that is difficult. For a number of reasons. But mostly, just because I want to get to know you better and I want your advice at least 12 times a day about whatever it could be that is on my mind.I have been thinking a great deal about the trip. I am having some major hesitations about coming.1) You know I don't want to fly. I am terrified. More than terrified actually. I am so scared that it is very likely I won't come at all due to this intense anxiety that I am feeling. I know that the chances of a crash or a terrorist take-over are very unlikely, but I still can't fathom having to get on to a plane by myself. Especially since I have only flown twice in my life. Once to visit you guys and once for Winfield's graduation.2) You told me that you want me to come alone. I don't know if I can come alone. I don't want to fly alone. I really don't. And more importantly, I would really want Paul to come with me. He and I have discussed a visit to you long before you invited me. LONG before. And it is an experience that I want to share with him. I understand you guys wanting to spend time with me. Alone with me. I want the same from both of you. But with my fear of flying (alone especially) and the fact that Paul would give anything to come...I don't really know how to go forward with this.3) When I had the conversation with you guys over Christmas about the visit, you said something that really upset me. You told me that we would "go out" while I was there, but that I was "not allowed to bring anyone home". You also made it very clear that I was to "come visit alone".Now, this hurt me because I feel like you don't really know me at all. And on top of that...I feel like no one really knows me in the family. I have been with Paul for over 2 years now. It is a strong, beautiful, difficult relationship that no one in the family has taken five minutes to consider. Mom and dad do the best they can, but they talk more positively about Winfield's sexual flings than they do about the boy I am in love with. The boy that I have never even had intercourse with. It hurts. And it pisses me off. Just to be honest.When you guys told me that I had to come alone....something about the way you said it rang so familiar in my head. It was like having a conversation with my parents. "Joe, come visit us at home, but make sure you come by yourself." "Winfield, come visit us at home, but make sure you bring Amy". It is not fair and I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself into a situation like this anymore. Paul is more important to me than Amy was or will ever be to Winfield. And no one takes it seriously.I have spent the last 4 years coming out of the closet with no familial support. In fact, instead of support, I hear doubts about my promiscuity, my "experimental phase", the fact that "life is so much harder when you are gay". And to be honest, none of it rings true to me at all.I am sexually responsible in every way, shape, form. I KNOW this is not a phase. And I am happy and proud to be a homosexual. Nothing about the lifestyle scares me or turns me off. Because I am me and I have a good head on my shoulders. I know what is best for me. I have to. I have been the only one looking out for me in this area. So it hurt. It hurt to have you two put guidelines on my visit. It hurt to think that you look at me the same way my parents do. Even though you are gay.I have an amazing time with you during each visit. But I don't know either of you very well. And you don't know me. We have yet to really spend some time together discovering what makes up the real US! At least, I don't know what makes the real you.I hope that this email wasn't in any way offensive or hurtful to either of you. I am just at the point where I have to be honest about my feelings regarding this situation. I am almost 25 and I am finally starting to be happy. I want to share this happiness with you two (especially) and hopefully one day with my parents as well.Please write me back or call me whenever you get the chance. Or just let me know when will be a good day/time to call you.I hope we can work this out. I love you both so much and I am always more than grateful for the money, the thought, and the love that you send my way.Have a wonderful day and I look forward to talking to you soon.
They wrote back this beautiful email:
First of all we think you know that it was not our intention to hurt your feelings. The last we heard was that you and Paul had broken up. So we assumed that you might be dating and that was the nature of our "guideline" about bringing people home. We know you well enough to know that you are not promiscuous.
We also realize that we talked about both you and Paul coming out here together. But after the great time we had with Winfield last year we changed our minds. We also came to the conclusion that if both of you came we would not get the "two-on-one" time we need to get to know each other. Please understand this does not mean that we don't like Paul.
We understand how you feel about flying since neither of us likes to fly either. But sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot. Or sometimes you make sacrifices for people you love.
You say that no one in the family knows you or understands your relationship with Paul. Whose fault is that? And you should know that it is very offensive to both of us for you to accuse us of homophobia. If you have issues with your parents' acceptance please deliver them to their doorstep, not ours.
So a visit is not in the cards for this year. Maybe at some point in the future. Drop us a line and let us know how things are going with Paul. That way we won't accidentally say things that hurt your feelings.
I was shocked and really hurt by this. It will stay with me for awhile. I just can't believe that my own flesh and blood would go off on me like that. Especially since they are the only gay role model type people I know. Ugh.
Way to start a Monday morning.
